A Hirsute Topic

The collegiate cycling season is in full swing. Before you know it, cyclists' class attendance across the nation will drop to yearly lows as training and traveling take full priority over any style of academic endeavors. Through the power of the interweb, we are able to live these competitive experiences vicariously on the ECCC Blogosphere. 


While perusing Blogosphere on Friday, I chanced upon the official ECCC decree found on Hugging the Turns, the blog of Kyle Bruley from Boston University. Although the rules established in this post will go a long way towards improving the overall aesthetics and fashion of the Eastern Collegiate Cycling Conference, some riders may be at a loss as to what hair style they should now pursue for this season. Mullets are being restricted, few road racers have the street cred for mohawks, and the high-top went out of style with New Kids on the Block.

Wrong on so many levels. 

So, before you go all Britney Spears on us, I implore you to consider the most refined and respected hair alternative: the mustache. Once reserved for high-society, today's mustaches integrate flawlessly into all levels of our lives. Want people to think you have a lot of money? Mustache. Famous Nintendo super star? Mustache. Need a hint of irony to fit in with judgmental hipster crowds? Mustache. Quiz show host? Mustache. Concerned about your diabeetus? Mustache. Defacing a classic painting? Mustache. Adam Craig at SSWC? Mustache. 


Even your bike can enjoy a hirsute appendage:

http://bikemustache.blogspot.com/

Many groups hold strong opinions about how a mustache should be presented. The Handlebar Club refuses members who decide to grow beards along with their mustaches, whereas the American Mustache Institute only recently began accepting mustache wearers with additional facial hair. The World Beard & Mustache Championships accepts all styles of facial hair, but clearly prefers intricate mustache designs. From personal experience, combining the beard with the mustache makes the growing process much more tolerable and less awkward (at least until you start waxing the mustache).

Growing a mustache can be a frustrating endeavor. Luckily, many great mustache wearers before me have chronicled their experiences in simple How-To formats. This guy provides a fairly simple procedure for your growing needs (I am able to look past my hatred of baseball for the common goal of increasing mustache prevalence).

Unlike the mullet, the mustache can be crafted into numerous styles. The AMI website contains a list of common mustache styles, but it may be easier if we approach this visually.

The Handlebar
Helping villains tie pretty woman to train tracks since 1822(ish).

The Pencil
Nothing screams "Dread Pirate Roberts" like an adolescent, whispy 'stache...

The Walrus
"The time has come," the Jamie said, "to talk of many things..."

The Imperial
Colonel Sanders? 

The Horseshoe (aka tough-guy biker style)
Without the tails of this mustache, you wouldn't be able to tell where his neck starts.

The FuManchu
Seriously, don't mess.

The Dali (my personal favorite)
Because absurdity in one's work can only be met with absurdity in one's facial hair.

The best part about Dali? There is a whole book dedicated to his mustache. First person to get this book for me will be rewarded with a macaroni noodle picture of a dinosaur and your very own tin of mustache wax (and maybe some beer).

As you can see, the possibilities are boundless. So, take these new hair regulations not as a restriction, but as an impetus for further improvement of your hair growth. If you need further inspiration, take a look at this historical approach to mustaches, or just this awesome site.

Or, feast your eyes on the potential of our fine leader:

Au revoir, y'all.